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Reading
1.Power of Words
2.
Creative Conversation
When actress Joanne Dru came to our first CLASS in
1981, we were in awe of her beauty and her star quality. We
expected her to be an outstanding communicator and couldn't
understand why she was hesitant to share her testimony. She
explained, "This is the first time I've stood before a group
without a script. I've had plenty of experience delivering
lines that someone else wrote, but you're asking me to speak
for myself from my heart. That's a different story."
Yes, what she told us was a different story, it was
her story, not a set of memorized lines.
In our everyday lives we are telling our own story.
We don't have writers to produce a script of clever phrases
and witty repartee. We're on our own speaking from our hearts.
If we are angry, bitter, resentful, depressed, we will pour
out words that represent the condition of our heart. If we
were insulted and hurt as children, we are apt to give similar
remarks to our little ones.
As we look at our script, the words that come forth
from our hearts, we need to observe our sentences, the tone
in which we say them, and the attitude behind them. We don't
have a writer like Johnny Carson has, we're not reciting someone
else's clever lines. We are our own script writers and we
are responsible for our own words. We should pause and ask ourselves two questions:
1.
Am I giving out kind, positive, affirming words to
my children? Are they as pleasant as a honeycomb?
2. If not, where is my sarcasm, my bitterness, my pessimism
coming from?
So often we need to clean out our own thoughts with a time of soul-searching
and find out what negatives we have harbored from our past.
As we come up with comments our parents or others made to
us as children, we should write them down, look at them, and
then ask ourselves if we are perhaps saying these same things
to our children. If we don't know, we have only to ask them
to get a quick response.
I
remember how often my mother cautioned me to be sure to wear
clean underwear in case I was in an accident. Once when she
heard me quote her, she corrected me and stated, "I said no
such thing." She paused and added, "My mother said it to me
but I never said it to you."
How
fascinating it is that we will pass on family homilies, warnings,
and even insults just as we heard them and not even know we've
done it.
On
a recent airline flight Marita sat across from a woman with
a two-year-old girl who was adorable and well-behaved. An
hour into the trip the mother told the child to go to sleep.
The little one was bright-eyed and excited and had no interest
in sleep. When she continued to chatter away softly, the mother
said, "If you don't go to sleep, I'm going to belt you." This
so startled the child that she was jolted even more awake
and couldn't possibly go to sleep. She tried holding her eyes
shut and once she peeked up to see if her mother was watching.
The mother was and she hit her child across the face, causing
her to cry loudly. As the scene grew worse the mother scolded
the little girl and said, "It's because of you I'm a nervous
wreck."
By
this time everyone around was annoyed and Marita got up and
offered to hold the child so the mother could rest. As the
precious child happily allowed Marita to carry her up and
down the aisle, Marita wondered what hope this child had of
ever feeling she was worth "a grain of salt" or anything else.
I'm
sure those of you reading this have not done anything like
what this mother did, but I'm constantly hearing comments
from women on what their mothers/fathers said thirty years
ago that are still crippling them today.
One
beautiful young lady told me she felt ugly. I wished I could
have looked like her and I had trouble imaging her thinking
she was ugly. As we reflected back on her childhood, she burst
into tears when she repeated her mother's frequent comment, "Why did my son have to be the pretty one with the curly
hair?"
The
mother didn't mean to insult the child but her repeated dirge
about the death of the dream for a pretty little girl still
played in her mind and every time she looked in the mirror
she saw a plain little girl with straight hair standing next
to a pretty little boy with curls.
We
can't weigh every word we say. But if we at least realize
that what comes out of our mouths has the power to bless or
to injure, we might train our tongues and control at least
some of our words.
Many
of us don't realize that our children take what we say literally.
As a child I heard my mother tell a friend , "Florence is
taking elocution lessons because she has no talent." Why do
I remember that sentence today when I recall few other statements
of that time? Because of those two words "no talent!" had
I been a Melancholy I might have become depressed. Had I been
a Phlegmatic I might have given up. The Sanguine part of me
was crushed. I wanted so much to be praised. Gratefully, my
Choleric nature said, "No talent. I'll show you." I worked
at memorizing my little pieces, determined to succeed and
today, in a way, I give "elocution lessons."
In
retrospect, my mother didn't mean anything negative. She
didn't
intend to hurt me; I just took her literally. I thought she
meant I had no talent. What was she really saying?
Considering
my mother's childhood in a family full of musicians, her perspective
of talent naturally focused on music. Because she studied
the violin as a child, the cello as a tee, and became a music
teacher and an orchestra leader in her twenties, Mother's
view of artistic ability didn't go beyond playing an instrument.
Because
I, as a child, looked laughable holding a violin and played
the piano purely intellectually, note by note, with "no
talent,"
my mother came to a natural conclusion. From her point of
view, if you're not musical, you're not talented, therefore,
her statement was simple fact. She spoke from her background;
I heard from mine.
Why
am I reviewing this childhood story? Is there a lesson here?
Yes. Children take our comments literally. In hearing "no
talent" I couldn't review my mother's background and musical
ability. I just processed her remark emotionally. A careless
comment can cut down a child's self-worth forever.
Check
Your Script
1.
Write down the things you remember your parents saying
and then compare them with the list below.
2.
Sit down with your children and ask them to check off
any of the statements from your list that they
have ever heard you say.
3.
Don't defend yourself or interrupt with "I never said
that." Just listen.
4.
Apologize for any negative words and give your children
permission to raise their hands whenever you say something
nasty or negative again. Remember when they do respond to
thank them for reminding you and don't argue. One defensive
sentence may make them never be honest with you again.
5.
Once you have heard their comments, discuss the fact
that words reflect our heart attitude and how careful we must
all be to avoid hurting others with our words.
6.
Ask for examples of what other people have said to
them that have been upsetting. You may be surprised at what
comments are lodged in their mind. Let them spill out their
thoughts and notice where each one is particularly sensitive.
(1314 words)
TOP Creative Conversation
So many of us parents spend more time trying to keep our children
out of trouble than we do making sure they're having a good
time. There is no shortcut to parenting and we need to look
at raising children as a challenging full-time job, but one
that brings the "peaceable fruits of righteousness" to those
who can endure. There is no greater pleasure than looking
at your adult children and saying to yourself, "well done,
good and faithful servant." There is no greater heartbreak
than a child who has gone wrong.
Each week I talk with parents who have children who
are on drugs, in jail, living with an unmarried friend, involved
in alcohol, having abortions, and a host of other maladies
not thought of in my youth. Some of these tragedies have come
to dedicated Christian parents who appear to have done everything
right, but most often the mother will say, "If I only had
it to do over again, I'd spend more time with them. I'd talk
more and watch TV less."
How can we do this?
Fred and I had an unwritten rule to make our evening
time with the children so active that TV was not an obvious
choice. We often sat at the table conversing for hours, and
when their friends would be visiting, those who hardly ever
talk at home would become verbose. The reason was twofold:
one, we listened without interruption to every opinion without
telling them their ideas were stupid, and two, we discussed
interesting and creative subjects where each person would
automatically have something to say. We avoided yes and no
questions and topics where there would be hot controversy
or it would be offensive to the guests.
The secret of creative conversation is to provide a
springboard into each individual's mind and to make thinking
both fun and rewarding. We would encourage new ideas and be
impressed with any statement that made sense.
"I
can't believe you thought that up on your own."
"That
is really an exciting idea."
When
the children had research projects, we would discuss the topics
and ask for ideas from those present. Often a whole new perspective
would open up and give a depth to the subject that the individual
would not have thought up on his own.
One
major prerequisite to creative conversation at the table is
that you have to stay home to do it. We were an active family,
but we tried not to have pressing engagements right after
dinner. Nothing eliminates a free sharing of ideas so quickly
as: "Hurry up and finish what you're saying; we have no time
for that now; just sum it up as fast as you can." Comments
such as these will have negative reactions on all four personalities.
The Popular Sanguine won't be able to sum it up quickly and
will be left frustrated. The Powerful Choleric will be angry
when cut off. The Perfect Melancholy will feel rejected and
say to himself, "I knew they didn't want to hear my opinion."
The Peaceful Phlegmatic will decide, "There's no point in
my ever trying to say anything again, so I'll just keep quiet
from here on."
A
Survey was done on a group of teens who had won scholarships
to determine what influence their families had on their intellectual
achievement. Although there were many different contributions
to their growth, the only consistent answer was that they
had families who sat around the dinner table for at least
one meal a day and talked. Money and parental education did
not make much difference, but a nurturing time of give and
take at the table gave them confidence in conversing and stimulated
their young minds more than watching television would have
done.
Dr.
Jay Martin of USC says, "Television watching makes you so
passive, the passivity itself decreases attention to anything
creative or anything that establishes self. It induces us
to identify passively with whatever's on TV. If violence is
on, there is an increase in identification with violence."
Minds
that hang in limbo watching television may learn something
positive but it will not be creativity. That takes stimulation
and encouragement from others. Watching is passive; talking
is active and stimulates the brain. Naturally, it is easier
to watch television than to think, but when we realize the
potential of these little minds, we should be stirred into
action and ready to make deposits for their future.
Some
of you may be thinking, What do we talk about with our
children to keep their minds moving and encourage creativity?
Here are a few topics to sat with that will lead to new ideas.
If
you could go anywhere for a vacation, what would be your ideal
choice? What would you do there?
If
you could decorate your room and money was no object, what
would you do with it?
If
you could be in any profession you wanted, what would it be?
What preparation would you need? Could you do anything about
it now?
What
book is your favorite, what character do you like best, and
where does it all take place?
What
is the best Christmas (Easter, birthday, event) that you can
remember? What happened? If you could make next Christmas
into a perfect day for you, for others, what would you do
differently?
All
these questions, along with endless others you can create,
will stimulate thinking. No answers are right or wrong but
all give an opportunity for individual opinion.
Try
taking one question a night and give each family member a
chance to answer. Fred and I have used similar questions at
dinner parties and had each person around the table give their
ideas while everyone listened. This method is far better than
having two or three separate groups talking or having one
person monopolize the conversation.
With
young people, I have found asking them a provocative question
makes them feel you rally love and accept them.
Some
of you may have little children and feel that you aren't ready
for these discussion topics, but you do want to start them
conversing at an early age. In a teachers' magazine, Learning'87,
I found an idea that may be helpful to you.
Anne
Martin teaches kindergarten and she has a "class meeting"
every day where the little ones talk about their problems
such as lost toys, a sick little brother, and what foods they
don't like. From this point she tries to lead them into concept
questions such as what is love, fear, death, and friendship.
Anne
writes,
"Of
course, getting 5-year-olds to participate in a discussion
can be tough. But several years ago, quite by accident, I
came upon a way to help them listen to each other and sustain
a group discussion.
The school year was almost over. One day, I idly picked
up a dilapidated fox puppet from a classroom toy box and brought
it with me to our meeting. I casually had the fox join the
discussion. I'm not much of an actor—and I'm usually uncomfortable
using puppets—but the result was electrifying: Suddenly the
children were ignoring me and addressing themselves to "Foxy,"
engaging him in earnest conversation. Of course they knew
I was doing the talking, but by some magical suspension of
disbelief, they imbued Foxy with a life and personality of
his own. The children's response, which went far beyond the
pretend games they played all day, was an uncanny mixture
of whimsy and seriousness."
As
I read Anne's words, I realized how small children love to
talk when they don't think they will be judged, reprimanded,
or interrupted. Using Foxy removed the adult figure and gave
them a new little friend who would listen. Perhaps you could
try a puppet who could inspire confidential conversation from
your child.
My grandson Randy has a teacher, Mr. Peck, who has
his fourth-graders journalize their thoughts about personal
subjects with great success. When asked what person he knew
loved him, he wrote, "My Granny because she tells me I'm
special."
Based on this report I led into the subject of love with Randy
and asked him what I had done that showed him I loved him.
He told me first that I send him cards that say "Special Boy"
on them. Next he said, "When you used to pick me up from school,
you took me to Griswold's Bakery and let me pick out whatever
cupcake I wanted." I realized I hadn't done that in a long
time because I'm away so much, and I didn't have nay idea
that buying a cupcake was so memorable.
He then added, "In 1986 you gave me a bicycle for my
birthday. I remember the party was in Ford Park and I looked
around and saw you pushing a bicycle up the hill." I had
forgotten the 1986 birthday, but his Melancholy mind had not.
"That was the best present you ever gave me." What
amazing memories little children have and how they love to
talk with us if we'll just ask.
(1516 words)
(From
Littauer, Florence. 1988. Raising the Curtain on Raising
Children. Dallas, Texas: Word Incorporated.)
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