The English Reserve and Politeness

It seems to many people that the British are extremely polite and difficult to make friends with. Hopefully the following passage will help you to have a better understanding of the British character.

To other Europeans, the best known quality of the British is "reserve". A reserved person is one who does not talk very much to strangers, does not show much emotion, and seldom gets excited. It is difficult to get to know a reserved person; he never tells you anything about himself, and you may work with him for years without ever knowing where he lives, how many children he has, and what his interests are. English people tend to be like that. If they are making a journey by bus, they will do their best to find an empty seat; if by train, an empty compartment. If they have to share the compartment with a stranger, they may travel many miles without starting a conversation. If a conversation does start, personal questions like "How old are you?" or even "What is your name?" are not easily asked. Questions like "Where did you buy your watch?" or "What is your salary?" are almost impossible. Similarly, conversation in Britain is in general quiet and restrained and loud speech is considered ill-bred.

This unwillingness to communicate with others is an unfortunate quality in some ways, since it tends to give the impression of coldness, and it is true that the English (except perhaps in the North) are not noted for their generosity and hospitality. On the other hand, they are perfectly human behind their barrier of reserve, and may be quite pleased when a friendly stranger or foreigner succeeds for a time in breaking the barrier down.

Closely related to English reserve is English modesty. Within their hearts, the English are perhaps no less conceited than anybody else, but in their relations with others they value at least a show of modesty. Self-praise is felt to be ill-bred. If a person is, let us say, very good at tennis, and someone asks him if he is a good player, he will seldom reply "Yes," because people will think him conceited. He will probably give an answer like, "I'm not bad," or "Well, I'm very keen on tennis." This self-deprecation is typically English, and, mixed with their reserve, it often produces a sort of general air of indifference which appears to foreigners difficult to understand and even irritating.

The famous English sense of humor is similar. Its starting point is self-deprecation, and its great enemy is conceit. Its ideal is the ability to laugh at oneself─at one's own faults, one's own failures and embarrassments, even at one's own ideals. The criticism, "He has no sense of humor," is very commonly heard in Britain, where humor is so highly prized. A sense of humor is an attitude to life rather than the mere ability to laugh at jokes. This attitude is never cruel or disrespectful or malicious. The English do not laugh at a cripple or a madman, a tragedy or an honorable failure. Sympathy or admiration for artistic skill are felt to be stronger than laughter.
    Like a sense of humor, sportsmanship is an English ideal which not all Englishmen live up to. It must be realized that sport in its modern form is almost entirely a British invention. Boxing, association football, tennis and cricket were all first organized and given rules in Britain. Rules are the essence of sport, and sportsmanship is the ability to practise a sport in obedience to its rules, while also showing generosity to one's opponent and good temper in defeat. Moreover, sportsmanship as an ideal is applied to life in general. One of the most elementary rules of life is "never hit a man when he's down" —in other words, never take advantage of another person's misfortune. English school-boys often show this sense of sportsmanship to a surprisingly high degree in their relations with each other.

Another feature in Britain is politeness. On the whole British habits of politeness are very informal. All politeness is based on the elementary rule of showing consideration for others, and acknowledging the consideration they show to you. "Excuse me" is used as an advance apology for troubling somebody, as when passing in front of him or interrupting his conversation, or when putting a question to a stranger. "Sorry" expresses regret for an accidental disturbance or breach of manners. It also takes the place of "no" when you cannot agree to a request or an implied request like "May I borrow your pen?" or "Do you know the time?" or "Have you any size seven shoes?" "Pardon?" is the polite way of asking somebody to repeat what he has said. In Britain, except at school, "please" is no longer used in asking permission to speak, and the phrase "No, please", so common abroad, would sound most unusual in Britain itself. "Yes, please" is the commonest use of the word, and is the opposite of "No, thank you" when replying to an offer. A bare yes or no is considered very rude in this case. Similarly, a polite request does not begin with "I want" or "I think", but with a phrase like "Will (or Would, Can, Could) you please...?" or "Would you mind...?" When the request is granted, and at any time when you are receiving something, however obviously you are entitled to it, you are always expected to say "Thank you".

British people do not readily ask each other to do anything that would involve real inconvenience: they prefer to wait for such service to be offered, rather than ask for it. If they do ask, then the request is accompanied by an implied apology like, "I don't really like asking you, but..." or, "I know the trouble I'm causing you, but would you mind...?" and so on. Similarly it is often polite to refuse an offer of service by means of such a reply as, "Oh! please don't bother," followed by an explanation of why you can do without it. In fact, without being conscious of it, British people sometimes make offers purely out of politeness, not really expecting them to be accepted, and offers of this kind are refused with the same politeness.

If you are invited into a person's home, there are other questions to consider. For instance, what time should you arrive? If it is a social occasion, not a business one, it is not polite to arrive early. Your hostess will be preparing for you, and will be most embarrassed if you arrive before she is quite ready. Ten minutes late is excellent. Half an hour late is excessive and requires apologies. Then too, the British are rather particular about table manners. The main thing is: to sit up straight, copy everyone else, gaily asking what to do if you are not sure, and keep the conversation going. What time should you leave? There are no rules, but it is most impolite to stay too late, as it implies a lack of consideration for your hosts. If it is simply an invitation to an evening meal and conversation, you will probably take your leave between ten and eleven o'clock. If you have been asked to stay for several days, you will conform as far as possible to the routine of the house, and your hostess will be very pleased if you give her a bunch of flowers, specially bought, before you leave.

Politeness towards women is less observed today than it used to be. It is still considered polite to give up one's seat to a woman who is standing, to open doors for her, help her alight from the bus, carry things for her, protect her from the traffic, and so on, and the maxim "Ladies first" is well known. But now that women are the equals of men in having the vote, taking paid employment and receiving higher education, they receive much less consideration than formerly, for the whole basis of politeness towards women is the feeling that they need protection.

The same principle applies to old people. If they are respected in Britain, it is because they are felt to be in need of protection and support. Old age and seniority alone do not command authority among the British, in fact modern life has been developing so fast that old people often appear tiresome and out of date. Thus, "We need some young blood" is often heard in organizations where the energy and modern methods of younger men are felt to be more likely to succeed than the long but partly irrelevant experience of older ones. The wisest of the older generation realize this. They either make an effort to remain young in heart and keep pace with the times or else they let younger men take their place.

It follows that mature Europeans have no desire to grow old or to look older than they are. Women especially, for reasons of sexual attraction, long to "stay young" and there is no greater compliment to a mature woman than to be told "How young you look!" On the other hand, if a woman's hairstyle, make-up and clothes reveal an obvious effort to look artificially young, she is said to "look common," and is regarded with disapproval.

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